funny,humor+weddings and marriages in Nigeria (part 1)

MARRIAGES IN NIGERIA 1

A report on CNN some time ago stated that one of the most expensive activities in Nigeria is weddings and marriage ceremonies.

This is very true. Let me show you how.

A little lecture first.

Nigeria has over 150 millions people that consist of over 300 ethnic groups (am being conservative) so to discuss marriages in Nigeria would mean discussing all the over 300 ethnic groups.

But to make things easy, I will just discuss marriages by comparing the way marriages are done in northern and southern Nigeria. The south is predominantly Christians and the north is predominantly Islam.

Weddings and marriages are usually very costly in the south. It is usually filled with ceremonies and more ceremonies.

In the south, marriages are usually concluded after 4 or 5 ceremonies and activities.

The first marriage activity is called the first INTRODUCTION.

The first introduction involves the introduction of the groom to the nuclear family of the bride. Here the parent of immediate family of the bride officially meets the groom and the family of the groom. Here the groom ceremoniously or officially asks for the hand of the bride in marriage. Some money is spent here.

Some ethnic groups in the south practice another ceremony called the second INTRODUCTION.

Here the family of the groom and the groom officially meets the extended family of the bride. (I forgot to inform you, when you marry the bride, you also marry the of the family of the bride)

On the second INTRODUCTION ceremony, you also spend money for entertainment like drinks, food and other items for entertainment.

The next activity is called KNOCKING OF DOOR. (No kidding, I personally wonder why we call all it that). This in most ethnic groups in the south is the proper marriage itself. Here a or some lists of items needed by the immediate family and the extended family before the bride is given out or is needed for the marriage is given to the groom.

They items on the list is to be purchased by the groom and the family of the groom. It consist mostly of physical items like wrappers, drinks, shoes, kitchen tools, box of clothes or shoes, food stuffs and other sundry items to be given to the bride on the traditional marriage day(another money spending ceremony) . One very important item on the list is the BRIDE PRICE. This is money paid to the father of the bride for the sale of his daughter…okay, not exactly so, but it is the way I see it.

The bride price is money demanded by the father or his representative by tradition and is paid to the father of the bride or his representative along with other items on the list, before the two lovers can be married.

Okay, what do you call that? I think there is a transaction here. Money is exchanged; the bride is sold …sort of.

The list is not actually a single list.

The father, the mother, grand mothers (if still alive), grand fathers (if still alive), the extended family members of the bride have their own list.

Poor groom.

Imagine how much that will amount to if they are all out to rip or rape the pocket of the groom. And if the groom cannot provide these items, the marriage cannot hold.

Okay, it’s like the bride’s father tells the groom, “So you want to marry my daughter, okay, you want to officially sleep with my daughter. I will make sure you pay for every thing I gave her while she was growing up, all I spend on her , all the schools fees , every thing I bought her, I want them back ,if you cant give me …get the f@#k out.”

Very sad. But that’s not all.

The price, number and quality of items on the list depends on many things like, the education level of the bride, where she works, her tribe and more.

If she is didn’t go to school, the list will be very cheap (you might be doing them a favour; the family could even help you marry her). If she had only a primary school education or secondary school education, lucky you. Your marriage will be cheap.

If she has a first degree with a third class, you will pay a bit more. If she had a second class upper or a first class, get ready for wahala. In fact I hope you took a loan (lots of people get loans to get married especially in the Yoruba tribe). You may spend all you life earnings.

If she has a master’s degree, is a medical doctor or an academic doctor. Then the groom is finished. The family of the bride will do what I called milking the fool.

For the groom to decide to venture to marry a bride of that class, you are either in the government, Dangote’s son or is totally insane.

Why?

Well, because the money that will be spent on the ceremonies, will equate to selling all your property and investments, that of your family and then borrowing from banks.

If the bride happens to be a professor and you ask for her hand in marriage.

First you must get a gun, organise some boys, rob a bank, when you do that successfully you can now go to ask for her hands in marriage.

I say this because when you go to ask for her hand in marriage you will also be robbed by the family or families of the bride.

How dare you want to marry a professor, you are finished. Get ready to be milked.

Well, if you can or when you have procured all that was required on the list, you can now fix a date and proceed to do the traditional marriage or the ceremony joining the couple. It is usually a lavish and wasteful activity that brings the marrying families, friends of the families and well wishers together to eat drink feast and witness the official joining of the two.

After this ceremony, the couple are officially married. They can go away and start their lives but no. Colonialism and the colonial masters brought Christianity and white wedding to Nigeria. And Nigerians in the south are predominantly Christians. So instead of beginning your family with the groom, the couple especially the bride may still want to perform the white wedding ceremony.

Planning for another lavish and wasteful activity begins.

(part2 coming soon)